Dear Oprah (or, if you prefer, Opraaaaaaaaah!),

I loved you in The Color Purple, but that’s not why I’m writing.

(A quick, early digression here to tell you how much I agonized over that first sentence. I’m sure you get more mail than your people can sort through, and when I combine that realization with the knowledge that the first line of any communication can be make or break it, well, the pressure was on to really knock your socks off. Wait. Do you even wear socks? Maybe that could be an episode of your show. “Today on a very special Oprah…Socks: Fashionable Foot-Warmers or a Menacing Threat to Shoes?” Anyway…)

Over the last year I’ve been told more times than I can remember that I should reach out to you. I hear it a lot – probably about as often as you get a letter from some weirdo who can’t get to the point within the first three paragraphs – so I have decided to write to you, if only to shut them up.

My point (and yes, there is one) is that I have a book I’d like you to read. (Bet you’ve never heard that before). More specifically, I have a book that my friends and family would like you to read, but they’re all too chicken to say so because they haven’t read the book and they think there’s a possibility that it might suck and they don’t want to blow their one shot at talking to you by supporting something so potentially sucky. Conversely, I have read the book and I know it sucks, but I have no shame and, well, here I am.

The book is called Rage Against The Meshugenah. A lot of people don’t know that meshugenah is a Yiddish word for “crazy”, but you’re close with the Spielbergs and the Seinfelds and I doubt they’d let a friend like you go through life without knowing at least a modicum of Yiddish. Chutzpah and whatnot. So anyway, the meshugenah against which I rage in the book is depression – particularly male depression. Because that’s the kind I had. And while there are lots of good books out there about post-partum depression and the clinical effects of depression, there’s nothing on the bookshelves that says, “Dude, I understand your pain.” 

Of primary importance is also the fact that Rage Against The Meshugenah is a humorous depression book. At least that was the goal. Mental illness isn’t generally portrayed as something to laugh about, but in the interest of reaching men, I knew it either had to be funny or it had to have lots of pictures of boobies in it. I’m fresh out of the latter, so I went with the former. Also, the absence of breasts probably helped me secure a cover blurb from Jen Lancaster, a one-time Skype guest on your show. Jen, who just happens to be a New York Times best-selling author, called my book “heart-breaking and hilarious.” Kind of like this letter, no?

Oprah, Ms. Winfrey, ma’am? I would really like to be on your show, but not as much as I would like you to make Rage Against The Meshugenah the next pick for your book club (never mind that it doesn’t come out until Aug. 4). And I’m not just saying that because my friends and family told me to. Well, maybe I am. But never mind that. You naturally have the option to reject my request for such consideration, but beware that I am mentally unstable and being turned down by you could potentially send me back to the dark room in the back of my house where I sit in silence and turn the table lamp off and on, off and on, off and on. All day. No pressure though.

I think that about covers it. As you were.

Danny Evans
Desperate Loser and Author of Rage Against The Meshugenah

P.S. – I meant what I said about The Color Purple. You kicked that role’s ass, and you would be my first choice to play Susan, my therapist, in the big screen adaptation of Rage Against The Meshugenah.

Comments

as someone who suffered from PND for five horrible, long years and suffered in absolute silence due to my own pig headedness i applaud your courage in firstly writing the book and secondly for banging on Oprah's door!

Your last line? It references "The Color People!" FIX... QUICK.

Abort. Abort. Fix the typo in your PS. statement!

What a great letter. I look forward to August 4th when the book comes out.

Quick question: Did you actually send the letter. I totally think you should except in your P.S. you've got the title of her movie as "The Color People". So you may want to change that before sending it on to Oprah.

We all know how she can be.

Typo fixed. Everyone return to your homes. Nothing to see here.

She's much more likely to pick your book than mine, if it makes you feel better!

I think it's a great letter.

Some day, a bunch of newbie authors are going to be writing you letters like this.

Join the club brother... I took a different approach. We should storm the castle together.

http://www.outnumberedonline.com/2009/01/say-it-aint-so-o.html

No offense, but I'm thinking she's kind of over memoirs.

Love it! The only addition I'd make is to make sure she knows you aren't the next James Frey or that old guy who lied about his Holocaust story...

I think this is good. Small parcels and more wooing. Send love to the magazine too. If you want perhaps the women of blogher will rally round her apartment( i know which one it is!) with danny signs at blogher this summer? yeah? And yo- I went to send you a DM and you unfollwed me on twitter! VERN!

Who said it sucks?! Who? You tell me and I'll take care of it. Clearly, that person is completely meshugenah.

Oh, Dude. You are so pimping yourself!

Not Oprah. Please say it ain't so.

;-)

That's like the letter *I* was going to write to Oprah! Except it said "my book would be awesome" and "just trust me" and "if you tell a publisher you'll have me on your show I bet I could get an advance and maybe THEN I'd concentrate long enough to write it."

But other than that it was the same.

Booyah Danny booyah! That was incredibly entertaining! If the book is half that good then it is sure to be a hit!

Nice as always Danny. Very entertaining. Glad I have already ordered the book.

I can only hope that this is the first in a series of letters to Oprah... if only "she" could write back so we could see her response(s).

I don't ever watch Oprah, but if you were on I would totally TiVo it and watch it over and over again.

Do you think Oprah would appreciate boobie humor? I just don't see her enjoying it that much.

Perfect DGM - Please tell us, did you send this? Or something? I think Oprah would like to hear about the book! And I think she might appreciate boobies, in the right size bras, of course.

I'll vouch for you not being "frey-ish". I KNOW that shit is true.

How could she NOT pick your book...it must be of some help to Stedman, at least.

You are sending this, right?

You won't know if you don't ask, right?

Hilarious! But, I think she's afraid of true stories these days but, who knows. Maybe you can fix that for her by sending along a few letters of validation from people who survived your storm? A link to this site? BTW, about everyone I know has pre-ordered your book. We can't wait to read it!

That would be the one and only Oprah show I watch.

Do I need to call my friend Oprah and tell her to get on this shit? Because seriously? I think she has an obligation to society to acknowledge RATM.

200+ boob-free pages, Danny? it better be good!

I hope you are really sending this to her.

Please Opes don't make the man flip the switch on and off! I had to laugh at that part just because I've so been there and it's not funny at the time but written out...heart breaking and hilarious.

Can't wait for the book!

WEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Actually....on second thought PATHETIC and WEAK!!!!!!!!!

Haven't I read this somewhere before? Oh, yeah...

http://www.outnumberedonline.com/2009/01/say-it-aint-so-o.html

Danny,

Three words: SEND. THE. LETTER.

My husband and his best friend (an Englishman) were on Oprah. They spent the entire morning before the filming convincing a German guest that it was pronounced "Oaf-rah".

Priceless.

(Although, she didn't see the humor...)

Dude, I love your posts, but what's with the Outnumbered thing? You gotta at least acknowledge the coincidence...and his was pretty damn funny. I mean, you didn't rip him off, did you? Can't wait for the book!

I love your letter to Oprah- very courageous and heartfelt. I recently ordered my copy of your book- can't wait! I love your writing, and I will happily promote your book through my own fledgling blog. Feel free to check it out and comment any time you want.

Man you crack me up. That is great stuff.

You make me laugh out loud. Often. Thanks for that.

I took a breather from clicking my lamp on then off then on then off... to google some tips for coaching my sons t-ball team and happened across this letter. Where can I get a copy of the book? Will there be an earlier release than 8/04?

I have to wait until August? Sigh.

I hope Oprah sees this. Seriously. You kick ass.

I'm so looking forward to reading your book. I don't know that I hit the lows you did but I go through my share of valleys 2 or 3 times a year. I also just found out that depression runs in my family. Now I feel like an idiot telling my past therapists that "No...everyone else in my family's fine." I think depressed dads are a well kept secret. Thanks for busting us out.

heheheh....boobies...that's so cute.

OMG that was entertaining to say the least!

Dude, the thing is WHEN she has you on the show, she totally has to start the show by reading the letter. That would be THE SHIT!

Awesome! I hope you really sent it!

I'm shocked that by now you haven't posted an update on how her assistant's assistant water bottle carrier called you. Well, I'm shocked that she didn't call you to tell you to never EVER contact them again, but at least you would have gotten a call right? Tell me you'd ever erase that number from your caller-ID huh?

Let us know when you send the letter. The DGM readers will send her letters two. The whole Arlo Guthrie thing runs through my head.
"You know, if one person, just one person does it they may think he's really sick and they won't take him. And if two people, two people do it, in harmony, they may think they're both faggots and they won't take either of them. And three people do it, three, can you imagine, three people walking in singin a bar of Alice's Restaurant and walking out. They may think it's an organization. And can you, can you imagine fifty people a day..."

Damn, I meant "too". I saw it when it was to late.

whats next are going to do a tribute to Neil Diamond?

they’re all too chicken to say so because they haven’t read the book and they think there’s a possibility that it might suck and they don’t want to blow their one shot at talking to you by supporting something so potentially sucky.