About 45 minutes from our house, tucked deep inside a remote canyon, there’s a steakhouse. It’s at the end of a winding, nauseating, one-lane canyon road, and although Hot Wife and I are not typically part of the steakhouse crowd, we went there last night with five other couples. Great meal. Good friends. Lots of laughs.

It was dark when we left the steakhouse and made our way back down the crazy road, and for a while ours was the only car on the road. But about 15 minutes into our drive, a pair of bright headlights came out of nowhere and sped up until they were right behind me—so close that I couldn’t see them in the rearview mirror.

I tried to register my displeasure with the tailgater in the usual ways—tapping the breaks and whatnot—but the dude behind me simply would not relent. He stayed on my back bumper for several miles, and I eventually just meandered over to the right shoulder so he could pass on my left. Which he did.

When he finally got in front of me, I flashed my brights at him (this is the universal driver language for “You’re a thoughtless weenie and I don’t particularly care for the way you drive.” Or a reasonable variation thereof.) A normal person would react to such a message with one of two familiar hand gestures—the open palm that conveys, “I’m sorry” or the middle finger. Either would have been fine.

But I was fortunate enough to have flashed my brights at a certifiable moron—a man who lives in a world where such a flickering of headlights is tantamount to saying, “Your mama left her dentures at my house last night.”

So this dude stops. He stops his car right there in the middle of this crazy, one-lane canyon road, and he just sits there for a few seconds. I’m 30 feet behind him.

“What the hell?” I say.

“What’s he doing?” Hot Wife asks rhetorically.

Suddenly he rolls down his window and waves something at me. It looked like a lacrosse stick to me but Hot Wife thought it was a baseball bat. I smirk. Then he starts yelling something at me, but our windows are rolled up and all I hear is this:

“Garble garble garble. Fuck you!”

A few things run through my mind, but most notable among them is, “If that moron gets out of his little 280Z and comes after me with a lacrosse stick, I’m going to have to kill him with this minivan. That would be kind of a shitty way to go, don’t you think? ‘Death by family car?’ Seems like a hothead like this guy should die in a meth lab explosion or something of that nature. But hey…pick your poison, big shot. Meth or minivan.”

Before I can take this absurd train of thought any further, my nemesis returns his sporting equipment to his little white car and tears off down the road.

But not before I flashed my brights at him again.

Comments

Good for you! I've heard "flashing brights" has a whole new meaning now than years ago. You probably told him you'd put sugar in his gas tank or something even more sinister like peeing on his roses....I'm sure that scared him off!

If some crazed driver stopped the car in the middle of no where and shook something at me, I probably would have cried and driven back to the safety of street lights. I may even have to move to the steakhouse because I would be afraid to go down that road for fear he would still be there waiting for me...

It amazes me the way people act like thugs on the road. A BAT? REALLY? (Dude, but I totally heard of a crazed (and crazy) driver shooting another driver with a bow and arrow once. Check please.)

Holy crap, that would have scared the living daylights out of me. What is up with people. A think the finger would have sufficed if he was so pissed about you getting pissed at him for tailgating.

Well, I live in Texas. If that douchebag had done that to me, I would have pulled out my pistol and shot out his tires. Cuz that's how we roll over here.

What a jackass! He probably woke up this morning sober and thought "Did I wave a freaking lacrosse stick at somebody?"

lol. I am envious that you were able to legitimately have the thought "I'm going to have to kill him with this minivan." That's rhetorical GOLD my friend.

I'm with Shauna!!
This happened to us, too, on Route 3 West, coming from Hoboken into Rutherford.
If you know anything about NJ and the commute out of NYC, you know just the area I'm talking about.
Some idiot did the same thing to me, BUT there were two lanes, one on either side of me! that he could have used to go around me, legally or not.
But he chose to ride right up on top of me in the middle lane. I cussed him out for a while, tapped my brakes like you did, and finally moved to the slow lane. EVEN.THOUGH.I.WAS.DRIVING.FASTER.THAN.THE.SPEED.LIMIT.
And he had the unmitigated gall to pass me, pull in front of me, AND.STOP.
Dead. On Route 3.
Proof positive he was just a moron.

Talk about a very dangerous situation. I used to be a hothead about these situations but you never know what crazy ass person has in their car that is gonna be pointed at you if you tick him off. I once encountered a car with two skinheads in Anaheim as I was going into work who were tailgaiting me. I tapped the breaks and they sped up and ended up in front of me at a red light I was approaching. The skinhead put his car into reverse and was coming right at me. God knows what he would have done if I hadn't quickly reacted and pulled into a shopping center to avoid the crash. Lesson learned, don't express angry shit at skinheads or anyone with a moving vehicle.

That seems like it could have gone south pretty quick.

And anybody who drives a WHITE 260Z is clearly an idiot, and shouldn't be allowed on the road :).

Lacrosse stick?

That's why I'd rather live in California than Florida. Here in Tampa, most men would mistake a lacrosse stick for a sex toy.

And, I can assure you, they don't wave those out of their sports cars.

Not when they can wave the real thing.

Also in Tampa, when you flash your lights at someone, it means: "Please, sir, if it's not too much trouble, just reach under your seat there, pull out your big gun and shoot me in the f**ing head. Twice."

But we do have steakhouses.

I share my freeway with the same morons as DGM:

This morning I was tooling down the 55 freeway when I drove across a piece of scrap metal which had been deposited in the roadway to greet me during my morning commute. Alas, the detritus went airborne, conking the guy behind me in the windshield, bouncing over him and then conking the guy behind him as well. Not pleasant, I'm sure.

Anyway, the dude behind me speeds up beside me to deliver a 40-mph stare-down--as if I had tossed the scrap metal out of my window or aimed it his way with my ethanol-powered metal-launcher. Stink-eye delivered, he then finished his point by cutting in front of me and barreling across two other lanes of traffic lest he miss his exit. Strangely, the guy wasn't driving a Z.

I think I've learned my lesson from this experience: In the future, I will refrain from inadvertently driving over trash that I do not see. And if you are Captain Stink-eye himself: Sorry about the windshield, man. Truly.

What a douche bag. I probaby would have driven around him, windows down, laughing my ass off at him... I'm from Texas too, Shauna. Road rage, it's a nasty business.

Dude
That was funny. But from a family safety point of view. The second flashing of the lights may not have been the best idea. Next time call 911 and report the "drunk driver"

If you're going to brandish something as a weapon, at least make sure said weapon doesn't immediately emasculate you.

A similar thing happened to me. A guy tailgated us up close and personal on a winding 2 lane road. Finally, he passed us and took off. When he went around me I gave him the 2 palms up WTF? gesture. A couple miles up the road we pulled out at a scenic overlook and guess who's standing there taking a leak beside his car. He fininished, zipped up, grabbed what looked to be an iron bar through his open car window and headed our way. Ugly look on his face. That's when I layed my legally carried pistol in full view on the dash. The immediate transformation of his countenance was priceless. Ugly to Uh-Oh. He trotted back to his car and left very quickly. Scary shit.

What has *happened* to this country? When did lacrosse overtake baseball as the organized sport for kids and the wielded weapon of choice?

A guy was tailgating me on a 2 lane country road once and instead of waiting for a legal passing area, passed me on a blind curve, endangering both our lives. I followed him to his house to politely teach him about good driving manners; but, he locked his doors and wouldn't get out of the car for some reason. And I didn't even have a lacrosse stick.

I've had things like that happen. One guy pulled out of a side street when I was on my way to work one morning and caused me to have to slam on my brakes. I honked at him, which then caused him to tailgate me for the next two or three miles, even driving on the sidewalk to try to get closer to me. Even scarier, one time - and this was about 40 years ago, so it's not a "nowadays" thing - I had driven with my two toddlers to the restaurant where my mom was working, about 15 miles from home, and coming back, some people started playing with me on the INTERSTATE, for God's sake - riding my back bumper, actually bumping my car, speeding up to pass me, then stopping dead in the middle of I-70. Nothing caused that - it was daylight so I didn't even flash my brights at them. People are insane. That's all there is to it.

My favorite road rage story I like to tell happened about 4 or 5 years ago. I was heading home from visiting my now husband and was stuck in traffic because they were restriping the highway. So, I'm one of those people who immediately gets into the lane that stays open when they see that other lanes are closing. This is a four lane highway they had down to one lane. So, I'm at the place where the very last lane is being closed and this big-ass truck flies up beside me and tries to worm his way in front of my tiny little Saturn. I won't let him do it because I had been sitting in that traffic for about 20 minutes, patiently waiting my turn and I just wasn't in the mood for it. So, he eventually forces his way in front of the person behind me and immediately starts to ride my rear bumper. Mind you, we're only crawling at about 10-15 mph, but, his BIG truck vs. my little car is still scary. I do my thing by hitting my brakes. We get to a spot where the traffic is totally stopped. He got out of his truck and came to yell at me about not letting him in. I just yelled right back at him that I had been sitting in the traffic patiently waiting and he had no right to try to force his way in front of everyone and then come and yell at me about it. I believe every other word out of my mouth was the f-bomb. It was lovely. He actually sulked back to his truck and maintained a respectful driving distance after that.

Who cares if you are traveling faster than the speed limit?
You are traveling slower than me. Get out of the way, fer pete's sake.
Give the flashing tail lights, brake tapping, and all that a rest.
Move over, let me by, and get on with your life. What's so hard about that?

I cant imagine stopping to bitch out a slow driver. What a waste of time.
Weird man with lacrosse stick.

Maybe it's because I'm fifty now or maybe because people are just crazy, I don't antagonize tailgaters anymore.

However, this used to be my favorite move:
I had a 1978 F-150 4x4 pickup with a giant step bumper. I would watch them in the rearview mirror and wait until the tailgator looked out their side window and then slam the emergency brake pedal with my foot. The wide eyed look when they finally turned their head was priceless.

To mess with anyone on the road with your wife in the car? Not smart.

Ooh, scary lax stick! What a tool. I would have flashed and flipped him the bird, multiple times. People kill me how stupid they act. Glad cooler heads prevailed! Oh, I just finished your book. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Loved it.

I once got tailed by a certifiable moron and when I tapped on my brakes, he decided to follow me all the way home. I tried to lose him, but couldn't. I ended up driving to a police station because I was scared to get out of my car.

You just can't play road rage like you used to.

Came over via Ronda's Rants....

Road rage is pretty scary stuff. Why do people who otherwise manage their emotions appropriately feel like it's okay to wig out when they're behind the wheel?

You're a braver man than I. When he stopped in the middle of the road, I would be completing the quickest 3 point turn on record, lol.

Lacrosse stick? Bah. I say you sik the Eager Beavers on his sorry ass.

There is a snarky little email up on Dooce in response to her Maytag purchase that is brilliant. Not that you would owe up to it...i'm just saying.

I hate that you can't register your displeasure with people, particularly drivers, these days without having to send up a quick prayer to whoever is listening that the dbag doesn't have a gun or a billy club and an attitude to match. Scary times. I wonder if the tail gaiters who proceed to lose their shit when challenged are a result of too much pent up road rage? Maybe it's all just a vicious cycle.

You flashed your BRIGHTS? You should have flashed your sack of frozen peas!
Loved this post! When are you doing book tours in upstate New York?

Dude. That shit is crazy. Don't do that again (Jewish Mother in Me). Seriously, my buddy got into a confrontation on the road with someone years ago and he waved a gun at him. Not worth it.

Who says road rage can't be fun? I like dealing with tailgaters by taking my foot off the gas instead of tapping the brake. The gradual, inexplicable slowdown drives them crazy.