1. It’s only “the happiest place on earth” if you don’t go with a six-year-old girl who wants to spend all day in Toontown. If you do, it’s “the place on earth where you really want to go home.”

2. Neck tattoos are no longer the exclusive property of jailbirds and miscreants. They’re also for the people in the next teacup over.

3. Paying $8.15 for a cheeseburger does not necessarily mean the cheeseburger will taste good or have a consistency resembling meat, be it ground or prepared otherwise. For all you know, you may have just ordered one of the old, soiled Chip or Dale costumes that was “repurposed” in the cafeteria.  

4. No matter how many times or in how many different languages your son is told to keep his hands and arms inside the ride, he will inevitably stick his hand into the water. And if he’s in my gene pool, he may also lick the water off of his hands.

5. If you watch closely during the parade, you can tell which “cast members” are carnally and/or romantically involved. “Mommy, why is Winnie The Pooh hugging Belle like that? Why is he putting his knee up by her hip?” “They’re dry-humping, sweetheart. Pooh wants to get at Belle’s honey pot.” “Oh.”

6. During that parade, the floats shoot out a shit-ton on confetti shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head. After the floats pass, Disneyphiles and fringe weirdos will actually bend down and collect handfuls of the confetti in a Ziplock bag like its dirt from the infield of Yankee Stadium or little beads that have fallen from the hem of the Pope’s garment. But its not. Its trampled, wet paper in the shape of a cartoon character’s melon. And its OK to accidentally kick those people as you pass them.

7. You can’t get cell service inside Its A Small World, so don’t bother trying to check the football scores. Just sit there, listen to the world’s children sing the same song over and over and over again and try to hush your homicidal ideation. 

8. Pirates of the Caribbean smells like feet.

 

Comments

Taking a ziploc bag for the collection of ANYTHING at an amusement park is cause for concern. Unless, of course, they're throwing booze.

If that kid were from my gene pool, the tea cups would smell like puke. My baby still doesn't know anything about Disney. Can't get him away from Sprout and from the weird bald Canadian brat with the strange name and the hot mom.

That was freakin hilarious!!! lol.

word to the wise: if you go to disneyland again, you must skip the cardboard burgers and eat at the pizza port. kids like the pizza and the pasta is gourmet level. if you do a park hopper, hit california adventure in the afternoon. there's beer and margaritas over there.

My last trip to Disney World, I kept getting mistaken for the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Kids kept trying to hug me and shit. I also had Snow White ask if she could ring my bell. That girl's a freak. Must be from doing all those midgets.

ROFLMAO!!!! Well said.

Termene ser centados, por favor. (You'll forgive the questionable spelling?). And I think you may have stumbled onto your next book title: Rage Against the Mickeyshugenah.

I love it when you make me laugh out loud like that. I'd like to get at Belle's honey pot, too!

I agree with Momo Fali!! If they're throwin' booze I'll be pushing my way through the crowd! Love your blog!!!

You've just confirmed all of my suspicions about that place. Thanks for saving me the trouble.

That is so true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol my head off - boss thought I'd lost it.

LOL. I guess it's time to throw out the bag of "pixie dust" I collected after a Disney parade. All this time I thought it made me a true Disney fan. But, it makes me a freak? oh dear.

Permanecer sentados. I was at Disneyland on Sunday too! I feel cheated that I didn't see you! But I did see Susan Boyle, so.... My daughter likes to pick up those tissue-paper Mickey heads, and I told her no on Sunday. Getting off the teacups, she bent to pick something off the ground and held it behind her back. When she came to me, I said, "Why did you do something I told you not to do?" and she produced a flower that had fallen from the vines that creep over the teacups. I felt like shit. Otherwise, it was a great day!

What do you think The Wizarding World of Harry Potter will be like when it opens next year at Universal Orlando? There's going to be a whole lot of parents wishing their little muggle would give it a rest already!

You've got the wrong cel service - I check my email and surf on my phone all the way thru small world, monsters inc. and even space mountain I'd I've done it enough times that day.

Last time I went to Disneyland, we were walking toward the entrance very early in the morning, to get there as the gates opened. A mother in front of us yelled at her 4 or 5 year old, "You don't DESERVE Disneyland". I think Disney should change their motto to: "Disneyland: Making you feel superior to other parents since 1955".

Completely agree with your list hahahaa... well, except for the Toon Town one. That was MY happiest place on earth and was glad that my kids CHOSE to stay there pretty much the whole time we were at Disney because it meant I didn't have to walk or carry either of them (because they get tired of walking and they are way too old for strollers) and MY feet and knees and shoulders and back were KILLING me!

The Pirates of the Caribbean in Orlando smells like feet, too. It must be on purpose. "Feet" is the ride's signature scent.

You know what I learned from my trip to Disneyland? 11 hours of walking for someone who is not in shape is not a good idea. Oh and don't make Disneyland your first stop on a week long vacation if you plan on walking ever again. At Sea World I was begging for a wheel chair.
Brand new to your blog by the way, and I think I'll be back!

hehe, all true, but I still love Disneyland. My hubby and I try to sneak a trip there when the kids are away.

Tip for the next time- you can bring one drink per person into the park with you and if it's red and in a Tinkerbell cup with a lid and a straw, nobody asks any questions and mommy has her big girl juice for the coping! AKA strawberry margarita! ( At least in Orlando!)

No football scores in It's a Small World?!?! Abandon ship!!!

You licked the water off your hands? Eww.

I managed to access twitter on the It's a Small World ride in Orlando. We were in France last month and somehow thought taking the kids to Disney Paris was a good idea. Aside from the wine (Bordeaux, served at the Main Street USA Crystal Palace Buffet) it was the same old same old.

shut the front door! i can't believe you think that the parade guys are straight! HA!

i'm a little weirded out that you think pirates smells like feet. i've thought it always smelled like old, musty water.. a smell i have only smelled in pirates... a smell of my childhood.. and i LOVE it! hater

#2 - I was once on the Charles Perez show in the audience and got into a screaming match with one of the guests. The show was about tattoos. She had a tattoo of her pet Rat on her neck. She said it was to honor it. I said that my uncle died but I didn't get a tattoo of him on my neck. Before they cut to commercial in a screaming frenzy, Charles asked me, "Final thoughts?" I said to the camera, "A tattoo on the neck, is a tattoo on the neck."

#3 - Soylent Green!

Should I say, that's what daddies are for. I enjoyed reading your post. Good luck on everything. By the way, these best gifts that you could give your better-half might interest you too. Thanks and have a nice and fulfilling day.

I learned that parents are Mickey's personal sitcom. Would it be too much to ask for the happiest place in the world to have a couple of latte stands around so us parents can get a little pick me up during the death march? I would have paid $10 for a straight shot of liquid gold on our trip. Don't even get me started on access to a cocktail ...

Danny, this is why they invited flasks.

(Also, ALWAYS get a hopper pass - California Adventure serves alcohol.)

HILARIOUS! I am SO looking forward to taking my kids to Disneyland...

Amber
http://www.wildtochild.com

Lord, the romantically involved characters. Big belly laugh, over here. (Hi kid, from Bossy.)

9. Those doors and walkways on the sides/back of rides like Indiana Jones or Matterhorn are NOT for Disney Staff to enter the guts of rides for repair as you may have guessed. Don't even waste your time taking a peep with the intent of seeing something 'behind the scenes.' Those dark hallways exist solely as teenage 'petting' caves. These nooks and dark alleys were designed only to allow hormone infused youth to gather and passionately dry hump one another.

I went to Disneyland once. In college. And it was creepy. I think if one is going to go to the happiest place on Earth only once, one should do it as a small child, so at least there will be a nostalgia factor.