I shall now perform for you my imitation of every song attributed to an artist “featuring Jay-Z”:

“Yee-uh…what?...what?...yee-uh…ungh! …ungh!..ungh!...yee-uh… come on!...come on, girl…ungh…”

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Yee-uh, so I watched the Grammys last night and once again I was left feeling as though popular culture is passing me by like I’m an old cripple with a walker and it is a speeding Lamborghini with a 50-inch subwoofer. To wit, my favorite performance of the night (aside from watching Pink (do you think that’s the name her mama gave her?) try to simultaneously sing, twirl, swim, flip, practice her kegels, hold her breath, memorize the Preamble to the Constitution, and bake a fucking coconut crème pie) was by the Dave Mathews Band, whose music I found to be equal measures funky and intelligible.

Not so appealing to me was the duo of Taylor Swift and Stevie Nicks. What tone-deaf crackhead thought that would be a good collaboration? While Taylor is cute and sweet and unassuming, her singing was so off-key that I fell to the ground forced myself to have a grand mal. And Stevie, whose voice is far more polished, has always sounded to me like she smokes a pack of unfiltered cigarettes and drinks a bottle of ipecac before she goes on stage.

Also, as much as I like Beyonce, which pales in comparison to how much Hot Wife likes her, the whole metal skirt, bomb squad, hair-flipping thing was a little much. And at one point she grabbed her crotch, which was partially hot, but also disappointing because I would have sworn she was going to pull Lady Gaga out of there. But she didn’t. Lame.

I don’t even know what to say about the Michael Jackson thing, other than watching 3D without 3D goggles was not awesome. It was not awesome the same way sitting on a railroad spike is no awesome. I thought the singing was nice, but for my money, the easiest way to completely shit the bed with any piece of music is to include Celine Dion’s voice in it. I don’t know what Michael’s relationship was with Celine, but I simply must believe that Michael abhorred her as much as I did. I probably wouldn’t have chosen that Underwood chick for the performance either, but I’m going to let that go because she’s hot.

Elton John, I hope you don’t mind, I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words…how tragic your career is when you sing with that “girl.”

I personally believe Lady Gaga is half Dennis Rodman, half Marilyn Manson.

I think what Green Day is doing with a musical is quite creative in spirit, but in execution I felt like I was watching a really bad mashup of Rent and High School Musical performed by the drama club from California School for the Blind, Deaf, Lactose Intolerant, Fashion Illiterate and Not Cool Enough To Work at Target.

Comments

i'd kill for a tom waits-stevie nicks duet. meaning that happens and i'll kill people

Green Day needs more jazz hands.

You summed up how I feel about Lady Gaga nicely.... she looks like some man/beast hybrid.

Well then, welcome back Danny.

Funniest freakin' thing (pun intended)I have read in a week...half Dennis Rodman, half Marilym Manson. Will be chuckling myself to sleep tonight with that one. Bravo. Take a bow, sir.

I could so do the Preamble on a swing. I watched a lot of Schoolhouse Rock.

Agreed. Only Dave Mathews should never ever dance in public. Ever.

"Lady" Gaga freaks me out and not in a good way. DMB was very good, but I agree with mrs.notouching that he shouldn't be allowed to dance in public. I thought he was having the grand mal.

Beyonce is best listened to with mute on. Apparently there isn't a best way to listen to Taylor. And ... ultimately there isn't any way to judge how to listen to Lil' Wayne and Eminem and that other guy because I didn't get to hear it anyway.

Hi Danny, I started reading your blog last year when I became a parent and enjoy it tremendously. I must say that this entry is _the_ funniest thing I've ever read in a very long time. Thanks for the humor, I really needed it today.

Agree, agree, agree. Maybe it's just that we are getting old, but I happen to prefer that my music is actually musical in one way or another.

oh good. so I didn't miss anything.

I missed the Grammys because I was watching the Pro Bowl.

Just kidding. NOBODY was watching the Pro Bowl.

Celine Dion ruins everything. We go to this chinese restaurant that ALWAYS plays either Andrea Bocelli or Celine. ALWAYS. I just can't stomach mongolian pork anymore...

She ruins everything.

You know how I know I'm getting older? I hate today's music so much that I didn't even bother to WATCH the grammys. I tell my children on a daily basis that if singers like Lady Gaga had any real talent, they wouldn't have to rely on shock value. And lion masks. WTF??

Quite possibly the best review of the Grammys on the Internet. (Or anywhere else, for that matter.) Bravo, sir! Bravo!

Totally agree with everything you said!! But I can add a pertinent fact... I know how Pink got her name.... You are gonna love this.... She had an African American friend who really, really wanted to see her....lady bits. She finally show him a peek and he said.... It's Pink! And there you have it... straight from Pink's mouth on one of those Biography shows....

This year's Grammys deserved a fail whale.

Ahh...I couldn't agree more. I do not like Lady Gaga, and I thought it was bad when Elton John performed with the Jonas Brothers, but apparently it can get worse! I have to say I really like Pink (which the name her mama gave her was Alecia), however, I did not see her performance.

Sooo... Two thumbs up?

Kids these days, you never know what they watch on TV.

I completely agree with everything you said, except I don't think you are giving Lady Gaga enough credit. Whatever crazy she has got going on with her little monsters and her outfits, the girl can sing. She has some serious pipes and you can't take that away from her. Crazy but talented. Hard to debate that. And I am only a little biased because she grew up in NYC.

Sadie at heyMamas

Grammys make me sad... not sure why.

Brilliant recap! I did not watch, but know enough from reading this post. I think I made the right decision, and I thank you for taking one for the team on this one. Thanks Danny! :)

so, I see the caffeine absence is making you cheerful and perky... ;)

Jay Z sucks. I don't know what people see in him. His favorite phrase was "what's up" in that song he did with Kayne and Rhianna. Stupid.

I agree except with Jay-Z. I guess you missed that Dr. Dre, Eminem, Chronic 2001 phase. You were having kids, so I understand but I'd like to hear anyone's rebuttal to Eminem's talent.

Taylor writes her own songs, that's cool.

Lady Gaga makes me feel confused and sad. Not sure why.

I think I love you! In a normal, family sort of way, of course.

I didn't watch the grammy's (not in years anyway) but... do agree with your view on Celine Dion. Here I thought I was the only one to mute her every time she shows up.

I agree with nearly everything you said except that i have to say i love Lady GaGa :)

The thing about Jay-Z is that he's what they used to call in the old days a "studio artist". Live (these days at least), he just kinda mugs around for the camera and does call-and-response BS with the audience. His albums are... well, they might well not be your cup of tea, but at least there's discernible content there. "The Black Album" is as good a place as any to start. (I mean, if you care at all, which you're perfectly entitled not to. :)

I'm with you! omg, I must really be getting old. So sick of the glitz and tricks and stupid crotch grabbing ghetto-ness head banging of it all. All flash and no cash! Where is the musicality! I may be cranky, but I'm not even caffeine deprived.

Many many years ago when I was a teenager and rock 'n' roll was new, my grandparents called it "noise" and said it "doesn't make sense" and it was vulgar and wasn't what they called music.

I swore at that time that I would never be that narrow minded, I'd always listen to the music and accept it and try to understand it, and never put it down.

I did pretty well with that, up through the '80s. I even choked my way silently through my teenage son's fascination with heavy metal (thank God he became a deadhead and began to enjoy Willie Nelson and Bob Dylan and others of "my" music).

But today? What they are calling music is noise, doesn't make sense, is vulgar and certainly isn't what I call music.

I also personally think that Lady Gaga is half-dennis rodman and half manilyn manson. Yes. That woman is wrong... just.. wrong.

LOVE your description of what Stevie Nicks's voice sounds like, so I just had to add that, to me, ever since the 1970s, the sound of her singing voice has always sounded to me like she's really Bob Dylan in drag. Think about it - have you ever seen them in the same room at the same time? I rest my case.

(Great post!)

I laughed my head off. OMG that's funny!

I am right there with you! Green Day the musical? I am sorry but Billy Joe is no Pete Townsend..

I bow to your superior stamina in sitting through the Grammy's. Yeah, it makes me feel older than hell, but I try to spare myself the brain-thudding banality of modern music. Love your writing--DO NOT burn down the village!

I don't like Green Day's songs nowadays. They used to be hip... sadly, I guess all good things must come to an end.

Very funny comments on the Grammy's, which I ended up watching online so I skim through. Most surprising moment of the night for me? That Lady Gaga can actually sing! I'm turning 40 this year and I actually like her music. She reminds me of a new millenia Maddona, except that she really can sing! Who knew? I though she was another Britney, put through the audio equalizer, voice fixer thing, so all she could do was lip synch live. Refreshing realization! Her outfits are totally wack, but really, what do I care how she dresses?

I totally think your take on Lady Gaga is perfect. I was also truely dissapointed in the MJ tribute. Not sure why some people where there. The whole Green Day thing is getting silly.

On another note. Check out my blog.

And that's exactly why I did not watch the grammy's this year!

I actually think that the world has gone wrong when I discovered that Lady Gaga had fans!

De-lurking to say, I can not understand the Taylor Swift thing. I know she writes the songs but good grief they are all the same. My boyfriend left, I'm sad, I'm O.K., I'm 15. I can't take it. Sorry about the rant. Grammy's sucked. I like the blog, I did get tired of the book thing. Glad your back, hope you make a million on the book.

Where are you Danny?! You've been absent for nearly 9 days now! I hope you haven't offed yourself because you kept having post-Grammy flashbacks!

Taylor Swift- typical modern teenage girl who's being controlled by her hormones. I'll have to make a mental note to keep my two girls focused on books and other academic objects. I don't want them to wander around the world of pop culture too much. At least not while Lady Gaga's around.

Delurking to say that ".......but for my money, the easiest way to completely shit the bed with any piece of music is to include Celine Dion’s voice in it" HAS to be one of the best lines ever written.

"Half Dennis Rodman, Half Marilyn Manson"... isn't that Alice Cooper?