Three Feet Outside
I hate Little League umpires. I hate ‘em bad. If you axe me,
they all deserve a meal of beets and Brussel’s sprouts.
My son’s baseball team, the Yankees, found itself immersed
in a very important game Wednesday night. They advanced to second round of the
tournament that pits every team in the entire city against one another, and
every game in the tournament is do or die—lose and you’re out. For such high
stakes, you might think the city could contract with some better-trained
umpires. But no. These games are called by zit-faced, fourteen-year-old kids
who wouldn’t know a strike zone from a pimple on their mama’s ass.
Worse yet, we, the parents—the parents whose kids are
suffering from the garbage calls being made by these little shits—are not
permitted to heckle. Explain that one. They’re old enough to be entrusted with
my kid’s future career as a Major League badass but not old enough for me to
tell them through the chain-link backstop that that pitch in the dirt was as
close to a strike as he is to having sex with anything but his hand in the next
decade.
Last night when my son was at bat, this blind little fucker
called a strike on a pitch the catcher had to slide to his left to catch. And
that’s when I kind of lost it.
“A strike?! That was three feet outside, you moron!”
There was an audible gasp from the other parents there, each
of them keenly aware of the don’t-harass-the-shitty-umps rule.
“Yeah, I’m the one who said it, Bieber boy,” I barked. “And
that stud at the plate is my son, so I’d appreciate if you’d bend over and use
your good eye.”
He motioned at me with his hands to calm down. So I did. And
when the next pitch nearly hit my kid in the elbow, he called that a strike
too.
“Oh my god,” I said, softly at first. “OH MY GOD! ARE YOU ON
DRUGS? YOU’RE ON DRUGS! YOU’RE ABOUT AS USEFUL AS A FOOTBALL BAT!”
At this point some tall men with big muscles came over,
applied the Vulcan death grip to my biceps (or at least the part of my arms
where biceps are supposed to be), and began to escort me to the parking lot.
But not before I got one more in.
“Hey, your ass called! It wants your head out by tomorrow
morning!”
My son’s team won the game.
“Hey, your ass called! It wants your head out by tomorrow morning!”
LOVE it! I'm so using that at least once this week. :) Welcome back, Danny. We all missed you!
Wow. Hope this was a joke. My kid has been the 14-yr old ump making $15 for 3 hours in the blazing sun umping a game where the pitchers can't get the ball over the plate. And if you said those things to my kid while he was doing it, I'd have to pop you one. And I'm his mother. I think I can take you.
Rather than hate the 14 yr old boy, maybe hate the rec league commissioner who apparently can't part with the bucks to hire real umps?
Someone is sure full of himself. I've got a 14 year old referee and it always amazes me how some washed up dad on the sidelines takes out his frustration on a kid trying to make a few dollars.
Enjoy your son's baseball win, because much as you might think he's the next superstar, he's not going to ba a major leaguer.
And maybe, if your kid decides to ump one day, you read back over this post and cringe at your big bad self bellowing at a kid. But I doubt it, since that would take maturity.
Seriously? Do you seriously think I said even one word of that?
I play that game with my neighbor. We excitedly explain how "x" situation happened but both know that we're full of it. It's tons of fun. But we never speak the truth of our real pansy ways.
Oh Danny - remember they do volunteer for this right? LOL I do feel your pain, we had an umpire last night send a kid on the opposing team to 1st base with only 3 balls.
Will we be seeing you this weekend in the tournament?
Believe me, I've heard it all before, so what you wrote isn't so far fetched. I've seen games where entire sidelines have been ejected for hassling the official. There have been local incidents where the officials have had to call the police because they feared for their safety. I'm afraid this post isn't as satirical as you think it is.
Oh, dear. It appears that "What A Nice Role Model" is in dire need of a sense of humor. Wow.
Great post, Danny. The rest of us all knew you were joking.
I'm gonna have to go assume you are joking. However, you might want to research the difference between "I said" and "I felt like saying".
These two phrases could mean the difference between people giving a bit of a chuckle, and people hitting 'unsubscribe' as they have no desire to hear the ramblings of an asshole who feels big about himself for belittling a 14 year old child, amidst dreams that a few bad calls will mean the difference between his own YOUNG child going to the big leagues or not.
Since I'm on board with the 3 other people in the universe that understand you're not an idiot, I'll go on & make you privy to this info:
it doesn't get any better. My fiance plays on a league & while male slow pitch softball is indeed as exciting as it sounds, you can always count on a pathetic blue to ruin a perfectly acceptable game. I'm a barely-5' tall mini-bitch with a penchant for drinking during games & a tendency to get a tad mouthy. I will be using your closing line at tonight's certain disaster. Well said, sir.
You seem to have hit a nerve. I have often said, "You couldn't pay me enough to do that job." I feel for those kids. Believe me when I tell you, the ump was consistently off for both teams and Danny did not say any of that. If he had, I would have taken care of him myself.
Remember when you used to ump as a kid? Or drink 40 oz. out of paper bags at the fields at night when mom and dad thought you were umping? The worst heckling at Max's soccer games happens when the kid-ref doesn't show and the former Stanford star dad from our school refs. It's a tough job, but dude- if you can't hack it, stay home.
If you had written this about an adult you wouldn't have gotten any negative reaction. But to suggest that aggression towards a kid who is just doing his job, even if he's incompetent crossed a line. Your fans can defend you and say it was just a joke but an adult bullying a child really isn't humorous. Especially given the number of referee and umpire assaults that occur every day.
teehee, breathe people!
I am wondering if half these commenters have ever read DGM before this month? If they had, they would have known that all of this is the imaginary conversation you had in your head that didn't actually happen, both because you're chicken and because HW would have killed you with a look. I'm just saying...simmer down...
ROFLMAO.
Wow, welcome back and way-ta stir up the controversy! Well played, sir.
Bwahaha, nice heckling!
~~~LOVE IT~~~ (all of it, the heckling, non-heckling, controversy...ALL of it!)
Great post - made me laugh out loud. Welcome back!
LOVE it.
Hey "What a nice..." clearly your sense of humor called in sick today. Try again some other time when you're better, alright?
Danny - you were missed. Glad ya' got the fresh air ya' needed, 'tho.
OMG people. Chillax. If you are an adult, and you claim that you have never thought such things towards a child, you are lying through the 3 or 4 teeth you may have left. It's called being human. Get over it!
I got the joke, and laughed heartily. But it is kind of scary when parents (and kids) get too serious about the game. I'm torn because part of me wants my kids to play team sports even though (because?) I didn't as a kid, but part of me kind of agrees with contrarian and professional asshole Christopher Hitchens when he says that sports bring out the worst in us.
Here's a link to the Hitchens article. It's worth reading. http://www.newsweek.com/2010/02/04/fool-s-gold.html
SO glad you're back Danny!
I knew, as I read and laughed, that of course you didn't say those things out loud. Geez. People need to chill out a bit, or at least ask first if you did in fact really yell that stuff, *before* they chew you out.
"Hey, your ass called! It wants your head out by tomorrow morning!" -- I sooo want to use that line on a real jerk I know (um, the guy is 48, so it's allowed, right?!). ;)
Keep writing Danny. You were missed during the "nap".
I think I'm going to have to unsubscribe to this one. I don't want to read fiction. I think I'd actually have a little more respect for this blog were you actually an over-reacting hothead and actually yelled at a 14-year-old kid and had to be escorted from the game. If you had done that, I would have been angry. But that would have been an actual emotional response to something you did. However, since this was all a product of your imagination ... what's the point? Cheers, anyway.
Danny, funny stuff. Just read RATM, by the way, and loved it. Didn't know you had a blog until after reading the book. Found out about the book via Dooce, who recommended it awhile back.
We're in the same situation with the little league umps way over here in Maine. My son is striking out left and right and it's tough to watch. Poor kids watch two pitches go by that are clearly balls called as strikes and then they swing at whatever comes next no matter where it is and SWISH, steeerike three! It's a bummer situation for sure. We would be happy enough with consistently bad, i.e., ALL pitches above the head are strikes.
Anyway, I'll be heckling to myself this Saturday!
Lynn
Hahahahahahahaha I know its a joke, but it shouldn't be. This is hilarious, and that little shit of an umpire I'm sure deserved it, just like almost every other 14 year old umpire with heads up their asses. If you cant make the the right calls, you shouldn't be out there. =) Hey, my little brother is 15 and umpires--and I catch myself screaming at him half the time! Welcome back Danny, I missed you.
OMG! You have me laughing SO loud! First we love the Red Wings, but I find humor in your hatred! Second, freakin' umpires!
I am part of team Dadgonemad is FUNNY. I think this is also send-up for all the dads who do get their panties in a wad over bad umping. And to see comments from Hot Wife and Wondersis. My dreams are coming true - thank you for giving back your blog. Now if only you would post that picture of the strategically placed bag of frozen peas... :-)
ROFLMAO. People need to chill! If people can't handle a little satire then they should probably unsubscribe now! I am confused as to why it matters if you write truth or fiction and why fiction is a waste of time. It is YOUR blog, and people read fiction all the time for ENTERTAINMENT purposes! :-)
Comment is for last post, because I know nothing about sports. Well except that my dad once got kicked out of an ice rink for getting an entire rink full of parents to sing Three Blind Refs.
Cow-linga. That's what we called that area on the 5, when I was a kid. I always hated that the half-way stop for lunch spot was right next to it. Red Robin. Yum Burgers. Yeah, it's just wrong.
I get what you were saying though. I've been around a long time. Five years at least, although I haven't been blogging that entire time. Write for you Danny. Truth? I'll still read it and I'm sure tons of other will as well. I write for me on my current blog. It's not pretty, nor shiny, it can be dam depressing and not many people read it. I don't really care though. It's my space to be me. This is your space. Be you.
ps? Just downloaded your book onto my Kindle.
Fiction or not, this is funny shit. Even if this scenario only happened within the confines of your own head (I have the feeling that you wouldn't say shit if you had a mouthful), it makes for good reading.
Welcome back, Danny.
Oh. My. Gosh. I am cracking up here. You are only putting out there what every single one of us with sports playing kids has thought! Beiber boy...hilarity. And moron must be one of my favorite words. I think it actually describes some people here who don't get the satire of DGM. I guess this is one of those cases, "Be careful what you wish for." You wanted comments, well sir, you have comments. Keep up the great work Danny. Glad you are back in whatever way you are comfortable. Good stuff.
Lay off...you are teaching your son that being rude is okay. Just let the players enjoy the sport for a little while longer before teaching them to hate the players..even if they think they are enjoying the game.
Buddy! Welcome back... See, you got your comments. :-) Oh, and you should have given the Ump a time out.
Today, the one and the only question that is in the minds of everybody is “where are the youth of this generation going?” as the lifestyle and values of the youth is bothering the society to say the least. Though the problems created by the youth and the problems faced by them are innumerable, it is not the state of affairs of the youth alone that is causing anxiety. The baby on its way into this world, new born babies and the children in different stages of growth also face and cause problems. While trying to find the root cause of the problem it is the parents who are blamed for it, most of the time. Though they are not the sole cause, they have a major role to play. Their success in parenting depends on the kind of parents they are, their environment, the support from the family, the possibility of getting trained for parent hood, the level of education, the nature of the child concerned etc.,.
"Their success in parenting depends on the kind of parents they are...."
Who knew?
Shitty parents = not very successful in parenting
Great parents = probably pretty successful in parenting
Brilliant I tell you, brilliant.
You're modeling excellent behavior for your son. Congratulations.
This is fiction? I missed it.
PMSL! Not just at your hilarious post, but at all the stir of comments it created! Okay people, listen up... Post was humor intended, simmer down!
As a side note: I don't care how little someone gets paid to do a job, if you take the job you take the responsibility of doing it well.
Great to have the old Danny back!! Loved this post and it seems as though some people don't know you as well as we do....
Man, I've missed your blog. As a mom of a son who plays both football and soccer, I get the ref jokes. It's so very tough to keep my mouth shut when my boy's called for offsides or crossing the line of scrimmage, especially when it negates a score and *especially* when I've got a vantage point that lets me know the ref is full of shit.
That being said, I did want to venture another side of the whole kid-ump thing. The kids in our soccer league who do the officiating are also in training. Sure, they get paid a nominal monetary amount, but the real "salary" for them is racking up experience so they can officiate bigger and more important games. Or so they can go on to coaching, or maybe just so they can improve their own soccer skills by being on the other side of the ball. Yes, it's important to do the job right if you get paid for it. But maybe the kids are in training along with the ones playing the game.
The refs at the football games, though, are adults who should know better. I reported the ass who was checking his text messages instead of throwing the flag when one of our boys got clipped. As for the ump who negated one of my son's touchdown passes (sweet fade to the corner of the end zone, right over the outstretched hands of a defender...thing of beauty...*sniff*), well he can just suck my left nut. Uh, metaphorically.
Way to stir the pot, Danny! I haven't enjoyed comments so much since some nut-job gave me a lecture on death and taxes.
I'm so glad you're back.
Brilliant. Glad you are back mate!
HILARIOUS! I seriously was cracking up, when I played rec softball, It drove my mother an father INSANE when the teenage umps screwed up almost every call possible.
And if people really think your heartless enough to say things like that to a kid, than they need their heads examined. They also need to seriously get over themselves, just because your child is an ump, and they suck at their job doesn't mean you need to get your panties in a bunch. doesn't matter how old a person is, or how much they get paid, if you take a job whatever the job may be, do the damn thing well or get off the friggin field. He's a writer, you come here to read what he's written, fact or fiction, and eithr way... HYSTERICAL! Welcome back Danny, You've been missed.
I actually laughed out loud when I read this! I'm a coach on our son's 13-14 year old team and while we have grown adults (and college kids) calling our games, I can't tell you the times we (as a coaching staff) have said the same things among ourselves. Thanks for the chuckle and congrats on your son's win!
HIGHlarious!! I feel the same way Danny!
I also knew you didn't really say that. I feel you though. I have conversations like that in my head all of the time. :)
I thought it was funny, not sure why somes folks seem to have lost their sense of humor. When I read it, I knew immediately that Hot Wife would in NO WAY let you yell those things with out a swift smack upside the head! As one who frequently has conversations in her own head about the things I'd LIKE to say at a given moment, I totally get it! Missed you while you were away!! :)
Ha! Welcome back!
I agree the last line is the best and will find its way into the workplace somehow.
Wow what a nice role model must play in my town. I remember when I got my brother in law's team to forfeit a match because the poor ump couldn't handle us heckling him. Even more funny is we weren't even heckling him directly we were talking amongst our selves. Like man thats an illegal pitch, another illegal pitch. So the ump happend to be able to hear us and come over and threatened to eject us. Having worked for the city, i'm like dude you have no power to do that only a city official or a cop can and we weren't talking to you or heckling you, get your panties out of a bunch and try and call the game a little more fair but if you want we can show you heckling. So he walked to my bro-inlaw's coach and said if we made any more comments he was going to call the game and they would forfeit. The coach came and talked to us and we said the same thing we weren't yelling at the ump, we were talking amongst ourselves at how unfair the calls were and how unfair the pictching was. The coach start walking back to the plate, and the ump called the game and went storming off the field. We had even agreed to the coach we'd be more behaved and try not to hurt the pansy ass ump's feelings.. Which is probably the comment the ump heard prior to calling the game. My bro-inlaw's team was winning when the game was called but they didn't care they were only there for fun again why heckle a ump when its a buch of 30+ year olds trying to relive there youth. No point, its a beer league not the frigging world series.
I'm gonna be honest...minus the live wit and sarcastic humor, I'm probably the exact opposite of you.
I'm only 19 years old (almost...I'm rounding up).
I'm a girl.
I go to a private university.
I'm a Christian.
I'm single (it's become my middle name).
Not a parent.
And I've never suffered from depression.
Basically, I don't relate to you or anything really, that you have to write about.
But you have inspired me in more ways than you could possibly know.
I read your book probably a month after it came out, without having heard of you or your blog.
I saw it on the shelf and was immediately captured by the title. Not only am I fan of Rage Against the Machine...but also Jewish jargin. It looked like a win/win.
I loved your book. It's how I began reading your blog, which I also love.
I'm not an adult. I'm not a parent. (I am an English major with a writing emphasis, though.)
So what could I be expected to take out of your book/blog?
You are an AMAZING writer. Very entertaining.
You have made me laugh out loud on several occasions.
You really have inspired me.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I respect you/look up to your writing and mad, jedi, blog skills very much.
It has inspired me to create my own blog.
I now have 9 followers. (AKA: I'm getting pretty famous.)
Your fans are too busy high-fiving you to figure out the issue with your post. It's simple. Harassing kids isn't funny. Harassing adults may be funny but at least they are on equal footing. Or maybe your boosters really don't care about the distinction.
And if you don't think it's really an issue then hear it from someone else. http://therealsoccermom.com/260/silence-obnoxious-parents-and-make-money-for-your-league/
A writer needs critics as well as fans if they want to improve. All the people encouraging you about this post aren't doing you any favors. Unless of course this really is your true voice, which is the point of writing, right?
Oh thank God you're back. This is freaking hysterical. Laughing out loud here. "Bieber boy." Killing me.
Welcome back. Never leave again. Ever.
My sons high school wrestling career was ended by a like-minded ref
seriously!
You would think at a min at tournaments, etc they could get fair umpires! After all they are generally paid!
Too bad this is obviously a country-wide phenomenon
poor kids- I think there are better ways to learn "life is not fair"
HAAA! I can't believe some people thought you were serious! Too funny!
I don't think it is funny when the refs at my girls' soccer games, youths right on up to 60+, don't seem to notice if one of my girls or a team member is blatently elbowed but they manage to notice if it happens the other way around. I suspect they take bribes ;)
What you say in your head and what comes out are usually two different things (or people think you're a jerk). Clearly headtalk here. I loved the last line so much I might use it with my supercolleagues.
People people people -- one word -- Hyperbole. Look it up. Makes for a great story! So glad you're back Danny!
I bought and read half the book today. (at work, tabu?)
http://img199.imageshack.us/img199/656/photo7n.jpg
Love it.
Many kudos to you. Love your work, the blog and the book.
You're amazing.
Damn glad to have you back :)
Absolutely hilarious. Welcome back, you were missed.
Danny,
I found your blog after reading the book and LOVE it. I'm amazed you have so many folks with sticks so far up their asses they couldn't find them to dig 'em out if they tried reading your blog. Or maybe they are just nice people wearing rosey colored spectacles...feel free to insert bullshit laced eye roll at this point... I too intend to utter the phrase, your ass called! It wants your head out by tomorrow. Don't be surprised if I report back that I used it in "conversation" with a 14 years old walking pimple.
At least your umpire had youth to excuse himself with. In our league (TELL), the umpires are mostly adults with grandiose notions of their sons making it into professional baseball. Several years ago, I was verbally assaulted by an adult umpire at one of my son's games who had a personal issue against our coach. When I wrote a letter of complaint to the league, nothing was done because this person is a heavy financial contributor to the league. And, he is well known in the league as being an arrogant, self-righteous jerk who berates the boys he coaches. Ugh. That event left such a bad taste in my mouth that, that was the last season that my son played.
omg, I'm blown away by these comments! If all you need is positive feedback, I'll comment every day. I've loved your blog for years and bought your wonderful book. Thanks for writing.
kiki--you missed the point, obviously! HE DIDN'T ACTUALLY HARRASS ANY TEENAGERS. Sheesh.
Thank God you're back! AND BTW this was a great post. Very funny. Some people just need to relax and learn to take a joke! WTF, who believe you actually said any of that...IDIOTS!