Not long after I started working at The Company With The Tank Out Front, a colleague articulated the company’s brand with the following words: “We make cool shit. Fuck you.” Although it’s my job to create the words that define this company and the products it designs and sells, I have been unable to distill our offerings down into a more concise or accurate phrase than that.

We make cool shit. Fuck you.

That posture toward the rest of the world is an accurate reflection of the company culture, too. We don’t play nice, particularly when it comes to our competition, particularly the competitor that owns a dominant share of the market. Perhaps you know of this competitor. It’s named after a Greek god and was made ultra-famous by a now retired basketball player. Yeah, them.

Well it just so happens that today I’m wearing shoes and a shirt with that company’s rather well known logo, which around here is kind of like walking into a formal, black tie affair at the White House wearing nothing but a cock ring and a ball gag. I have no excuse for dressing this way other than the fact that these clothes were on the top of the clean pile at home. Nevertheless, I wore them, and on my way down to the cafeteria for some runny eggs and Diet Coke, I was accosted.

Walking down the stairs, I passed three men having a conversation about something. Shoes, I think. Or maybe the oil spill. As I trekked down the stairs, their conversation came to an abrupt halt.

“Wow,” said the shorter of the three men, who I have a feeling is kind of a big shot here, “that’s a lot of [Company Named After Greek God] gear for a [Company With The Tank Out Front] man.”

“Yeah,” I said, turning to face him. “I know. But I have [Company With The Tank Out Front] in my soul.”

There are three possible reasons for the humorless, stone-faced glare he fired at me immediately thereafter: 1) he was rendered emotionless by my sophisticated humor, 2) he didn’t understand me, 3) he was making a mental note to call HR and have my ass fired.

If you axe me, it was No. 1.

But I’m boxing up my belongings, just in case.

Comments

Or maybe he was thinking, "Wow, that guy looks HOT in his gear - maybe I should go get some."

But I can just say that it won't make him as funny as Dadgonemad. Maybe you should wear gear tomorrow.

Or... Maybe he doesn't have a soul. And he was jealous. Of your soul. This was funnier in my head.

you KNOW how they feel about that there....i loved that placed when i worked there. miss it now!

People take themselves (and their brands) a little too seriously if you ask me. Next time? Wear the cock ring and ball gag.

This brand statement is right up there with my other favorite coined by a friend who worked for a Big Parmaceutical: "[Pharmaceutical Name]: Profiting from Disease".

It's so humorous, in a pathetic sort of way, that company elites actually start believing their own hype as written by us copywriters. They give up the "who I am" and replace it with "what I do" as their personality. How sad is that?

Loyalty is one thing, but enough is enough already. I equate this personality type with those people on drugs or something that jump off high buildings thinking they can actually fly. I suppose they can...for a few seconds anyway.

"Our highly polished silca-sand orbs are so powerfulful and breathtaking, your competition will be absolutely defenseless as you come to taw and break up the game."

Of course, all that really needs to be said is:

"We make marbles. Fuck you."

I thought you were mad at Greek god company because of its douche bag golf spokesman? I threw out everything with that godforsaken swoosh on it. And when did you go back to Diet Coke?

Besides those 2 things, the little guy has a Napoleon complex and NEEDS to say stupid crap to make him feel better. So, I am guessing #2. My hubby works for a company that takes itself too seriously and I see him changing to match their corporate culture. Whatever you do, don't do that! Finding out who Napoleon really ease might also quell some of your concern or at least get you to stop packing!

If he fires you, please promise me that on your way out, you'll stuff every pocket of yours, full of $200 sunglasses. I NEED sunglasses. Thank you.

Well... I think you were wrong. I work P/T for one of the 2 bigger Big Box Home Improvement centers. I shop at both of them, or anywhere else I can get the most value for my dollar. I'm rebuilding a house. I would never wear blue while working/shopping at my orange store. To be nice, I don't wear orange while shopping blue. It sends a mixed message. What I wear in my "off time"? Who cares?

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