I’m naked, but don’t be scared. I’m always naked when I shower.

To my immediate left is a porcelain shelf, and on that shelf sits a mammoth, purple, plastic bottle with a pump top. This is the shampoo my wife and I share. The label on the bottle says the shampoo comes from Australia. It also says it’s “mega” and “moist.” I completely get the “moist” part because my hair is wet (see also: moist) when I wash it, but I’ve never quite figured out what’s so “mega” about my Aussie shampoo. Perhaps the marketers knew I’d be naked when I used their shampoo and the “mega” is in reference to my…well…my… Never mind.  

I turn to my left, place my left hand under the pump and push the plunger down with my right hand.

“Pffft!” the bottle says, spitting at me. No shampoo comes out. I push it again and the same thing happens. So I pick it up, shake it, determine the bottle is empty, and throw it into the trash can.

From another part of the house, my wife hears the thud of the bottle hitting the can and comes into the bathroom to find the source of the sound. She looks around and sees the gigantic bottle in the trash.

“What are you doing?” she exclaims.

“I’m practicing my kegels,” I say facetiously. “What does it look like I’m doing?”

“Why did you throw this away?” she asks, now holding the shampoo bottle.

“Because it’s empty, you goober.”

“It is not.”

I know this dance. After fourteen years of marriage, two kids, and dozens of disagreements on the same line as this make clear that Hot Wife and I have starkly different interpretations of the word “empty.” In my view, when a shampoo bottle stops delivering its contents in the manner for which it was designed, it’s empty. To my beautiful bride, that same bottle isn’t empty until it has been squeezed, crushed, rolled up, stomped on, yelled at, and pressed in a vice for so long that not even an atom of its contents remains inside.

“Are we really going to do this again, honey?” I ask.

“I don’t know about you,” she says, “but I am.”

Although I purchased a new mammoth purple bottle of the same Aussie shampoo earlier in the week, my wife does not intend to start a new bottle until the current bottle has been pillaged entirely. So how do you get shampoo from a pump that is no longer pumping shampoo? According to Sharon, you untwist the cap, remove the clear plastic straw that’s attached to the pump, and wipe the adhering shampoo dregs into the palm of your other hand. Then reattached the cap and proceed as normal.

“That’s so much more trouble than it’s worth,” I plead. “Come on, honey. Take a walk on the wild side with me. Throw that bottle away and put your hands on the new and improved ‘mega.’”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Danny,” she says. “It’s not that big a deal.”

See, but I’m naked. And I’m not sure if she’s talking about the shampoo bottle or my…well…my… Never mind.

Comments

Sounds all to familiar. Good luck.

Haha, my bathroom has quite a few "empty" bottles. I'm too cheap to throw them out and my husband refuses to use them when they are impossible to drain. So we're at a stalemate.

You crack me up. Thanks for the Monday laugh :)

The real question is why didn't that bottle go in to the recycle bin?

Here's what you do to appease Hot Wife (about the bottle, and not your... Never mind)

Open new bottle and the old bottle, prop the old bottle in a manner that it can slowly drain to the new bottle while your at work for the day...(ok, you can tell I put way too much effort in to this...) Good luck!

Must be one of the differences between men and women. I do the same thing. Shampoo, conditioner, liquid soap, toothpaste, you name it.

Hey, you forgot to mention the tactic of taking scissors to said container: Cut open the bottom of the tube of toothpaste or facial cleanser. Milk the tube so that you get at least four more servings of cleanser or paste. When that produces no more substance, make a lengthwise cut up the tube. Scrape more servings off the inside of the tube.

Costs as much money in water as you'd save in using that last bit of shampoo since you're in the shower longer trying desperately to empty that shampoo bottle.

Makes it a wash..heheh.

HAH!awesomely told, as always.

maybe it's a female thing. I totally do this. I use every container of every kind of product until it's totally gone. I do the twist and goop, I pound the bottle for every last drop, I've even cut open the plastic to get the last bits. insane, I know. but I can't help myself.

I share the same ideology as Hot Wife, I don't believe in throwing any product away until it is undeniably empty!

I'm in the camp of emptying the old one into the new one. You still get the stuff but don't have to stand there trying to get it out.

I'm just laughing that your Tweet linking to this post said, "I shower naked". As opposed to...?

I have been known to unscrew the cap to get the last drop out. Maybe it's a girl thing?

When it's that low, just add water to the bottle, shake and it will last at least another 4 days!

I am just going to sit back and enjoy this ride. Thanks, honey.

I too side with Hot Wife. I have a tiny bottle of $80 eye creme. It KILLED me to pay that much for it... when that sucker stops pumping I'll be hacking it open to retrieve every last molecule of my $80.

I'm female and I'm on team throw the damn thing out. Well, actually do recycle it. My husband however is on team use every molecule of every product but I suspect his stance has more to do with being too lazy to find a full container than anything else.

Man, I've been there! My wife has 1100 pair of black shoes that all look the same to me, and toothpaste, shampoo and food are the things she generally chooses to "save" money on.

Danny –

Here’s a solution for you. Don’t share shampoo or soap.

Let her have her Gardena Oil, Rose Pedal, Cocoa butter or whatever.

We dudes don’t need that. We weren’t meant to smell like strawberries and cream!

We can survive on the “made for men” body wash. That stuff costs a lot less.

The loss of shelf space due to an extra bottle is more than compensated by the fact that you will save money because you aren’t using her outrageously priced gunk.

At $.25 an ounce, versus her stuff’s $1.50 an ounce, she won’t find it worth her while to yell at you for throwing away your own bottle.

Just remember to have her help you pick out your soap, so you don’t end up smelling like a turd wrapped in burnt hair.

Muahahhahahahahah I can soooo relate to your wife!

Dear Danny,

You are wrong.

Sincerely,

Momo

Momo - I wish I had thought of that. But, better you than me.

I'm with Hot Wife on this one. And like DonnaB, I do the "add water" thing too. A lot of times that plastic pump thing doesn't reach all the way down to the bottom of the container, so it stops pumping before the bottle is fully empty. I add a little water, and I get a few days or more worth of product.

I have to side with your wife, but only because I am against the shampoo distributor. They make it complicated on purpose. They are depending on you to get frustrated with that last ounce so you will buy more shampoo sooner. Well, I show them.

Dude. Gotta go with Hot Wife and Momo on this one. I do the same empty dance with the soap bottle as well. I'd suck it out like I'm siphoning gas if I had to. It's just what you're supposed to do. And Mega? Who are you kidding bro? We're Jewish...

Honey, what we usually do at is to just fill the shampoo bottle with a little amount of water, shake it a little and then you'll be able to pump the dregs without trouble :D

No big deal, wifey just wants to make the most out of everything. :)

Stop being so wasteful Danny!

I wash out the bottle before it goes in the recycling, once that is done there is no question that the bottle is empty!

You are a riot man! Though admittedly I do side with Hot Wife...even though I only buy that stuff on sale and with coupons so it's super cheap, I STILL want every last ounce out of that sucker!

Uugh, we have the same situation in our house only it is the reverse. My husband loves picking the bottles out of the trash and upending them until every last little trickle of shampoo or any other substance packaged in a bottle comes out. I wonder why my eye just started to twitch?

Haha! I'm a lot like your wife. I just recently wouldn't let my husband throw a tube of toothpaste away until he had to use all of his muscles to get it out. It makes me feel all environmental.

Anyway It was very good to go through your post. As educational as actually. I thank you to guide doing individuals much more mindful of achievable challenges. Fantastic stuff as typical.